Thursday, April 30, 2009

She said the M word

I know I've been neglecting you all lately. Sorry about that. I still need to fill you in on what's been happening over here, but instead, let me use today to address something that several people have mentioned lately. Deep breath..... case you didn't know...I had two miscarriages last year. I have a separate blog that I started back then that I didn't share with anyone. I linked it here, but don't visit unless you are seriously prepared to hear to the gory details. Also, it is VERY personal, as personal as personal gets. I can't even believe some of the things that I shared on there, so A) don't be offended, B) don't be a jerk. My husband "knows some people who know some people who robbed some people." So, don't mess with me.

Another round of friend pregnancies. They seem to come in waves. Friends: please know that I AM happy for you. I am also a tad jealous, but that does not mean that I hate you, nor does it mean that you can not talk about your baby in my presence. A few months ago, that would have been the case, but I'm better now, really. :)

It is pretty crazy to think that if we hadn't suffered the first miscarriage, we would have a newborn baby in our house now. That is really hard for me to imagine.

I'm struggling a little with the future of Shareapy. At first, it was just for me, then it was also for strangers who needed to know they weren't alone. That part of my life was something I didn't talk about except in the company of close friends and family, but why? Because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. No one wants to hear about my dead babies. AWKward....

It is very strange to think that someone who hasn't had a miscarriage and doesn't even know me might read that site. It feels like that dream I have where I forget that I haven't shaved my legs in months, but I go walking around in shorts and everyone is laughing at me, but I don't realize it until I've been out for hours.

We are such a voyeuristic society that we like to watch other people's pain up close. Does it make us feel more human to connect to someone's misery? Or does it make us feel better about our own lives? Either way, I engage in it, too. It is the reason I watch reality TV and read other people's blogs. It is just very surreal for me to be on the other side of the looking glass. I've given everyone in school the key to my diary...why would I do that?! I guess I just want everyone to have some insight. Maybe if we talk about miscarriages more openly, the women who experience them won't have to live dual lives--smiling and laughing while they die inside. And,
I think it will be a relief that I can talk how this still affects me now.

Here's the deal...the secret is out now. I had two miscarriages. It is a part of who I am. It doesn't mean that I want to bring it up in everyday conversation, but I'm not so fragile anymore that I will burst into tears if it does come up.

I'm not going to go into detail, but let me just clear up one thing right now: Miscarriages are a big deal. A HUGE, GIANT, ELEPHANT-SIZED deal. It feels like you lost everything. That might not make sense to someone who has never experienced it, but just take my word for it. I remember what went through my head before I had one. It was something like, "Oh, that sucks. But, they can try again." Oh, dear Lord. Just imagine...every single day, this person will wake up and remember that they were supposed to be pregnant today. Every day takes them closer to a due date that won't come. It is a DAILY struggle.

If you know someone who's had a miscarriage, you are probably wondering what to say to them. Feel free to email me and I can give you some pointers.

What I found especially difficult is that there weren't a lot of resources immediately available to help me. I didn't know what to expect physically or emotionally. I had to do a lot of research on my own, which just made me feel even more alone. Hopefully, other doctors provide more support than mine did.

With a miscarriage, there is no one else to feel your pain, except your spouse. While your husband is equally devastated, even he didn't have the physical connection to the baby that you did. The memories are all in your head. They are just visions you created of the love you'd share with your future child. No one can share in your pain because they didn't know your child.

Anyway, my whole point is that I think I will keep Shareapy a separate site because the ladies that need support right now don't want to hear about the necklace I bought last week or some hilarious website or Anna's latest revelation. When they get to a place that they can laugh and smile again, they are welcome with open arms over here at CFB. Meanwhile, all my lovely CFB readers may, once in awhile, hear about how I'm feeling in regard to my miscarriages, because that is as much a part of me as the fact that I can't go two days without gushing over Twilight. Twilight, Twilight, Twilight! I love Twilight!


  1. thank you for sharing with us. i found the other blog through your profile and it was heart breaking. and to know that i was only yards away as you were going through all of this...
    you are a strong, brave woman.
    and i truly enjoy reading your blog.

  2. Seconded, Terra. I admire your strength, Jessica.
    I went and dug up my journaling from mine, and...well, just know that you are not alone. It was a good year I couldn't hear kidlets in the building or pregnancy news without tearing up.
    I found some solace in LiveJournal communities, just reading and knowing that I wasn't going crazy, and I hadn't *done* anything wrong...and that if nothing else, there was comfort in the universal silent agony of miscarriages.
    I'm proud of you for posting this, thank you.
    ...and hang in there, lady. :o)

  3. that took a lot of courage and strength to post the link to Shareapy. You and Roy are amazing people and I am truly sorry to hear such heartbreak. Sorry, too, for being the guy that made you cringe inside. I would've never been visibly excited if I had known you were going through such heartache.

    Take care of yourself and each other.


  4. Jessica-
    How beautifully worded. When I miscarried (Dec. 2007) I didn't know what to do. I still think about it. A LOT. I still know the exact date it happened. Exactly how I knew it was over. Going to the stupid office to have blood checked for the levels of hormones and sitting around all those pregnant women.And someone I knew was there and he came up and was talking to me. I can't even remember if I said Hi. How much I cried. etc.SO in short, I do know how you feel. And it is a big deal. So from my heart to yours...I feel your pain.

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  6. Thank you all. God, it just feels good to have it out in the open now. I was really biting my nails on this post. Penton peeps...I wish I could have shared it with you all then, but I needed time to deal. It is so much easier to say this kind of thing in the blogosphere though. I REALLY appreciate the support. You all ROCK! To the people who have been there, know that I'm here if you want to talk. :)

  7. Excellent post. It was very brave of you to share this and your other blog with the world. I'm sure many women need these posts, and I'm glad you can help those you need it. I hope you get everything you desire.

  8. Very well put. I think it is amazing that you wrote everything down in Shareapy, it is an important part of the healing process for you and for so many other women who have been through a miscarriage. It's also very hard to keep things like this a secret from the people around you, especially in cubeland. You're waging a private war and at least now you have a few more people to support you on your journey.