Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm blue (da ba dee)

Today is May 11. Da da dum. I've been thinking about this day for a long time, but this past week, I thought of it a lot. Yesterday was kind of hard. I wanted to be happy about Mother's Day, but I kept remembering that I was supposed to be a mother of two.

I knew today would be rough, but I had decided that Anna and I would keep busy. We were going to go to the library, make cookies and paint pictures. She decided it was a pig-tail day, so we both busted some out. Then, she decided that she wanted to play with her animals and didn't want to go to the library. I don't have the strength to force her today, so I thought I'd sit down and wait her out. She loves the library, so I knew she'd come around.

Opened my computer to check Facebook and oh, hi, look at someone's 3D sonogram pics. And, that is all it took to derail me. All this after I said last week that I was "better now" and I "wouldn't break down" if the subject came up and people shouldn't feel bad about mentioning their babies to me. I guess I'm a big, fat liar, liar, pants on fire.

I have some pretty strange dreams. Last night's is easy enough to decipher. We were living in a small house by the ocean. My mom and grandma were there, as well as my friend Julie and her husband, Byron. We were watching a TV movie about Nancy Grace (who was a brunette) which was fascinating. I was holding Anna and the moms were watching our 5 month-old daughter (random), who we kept calling "Susie" (after my sister), even though that wasn't her name. All of a sudden my mom runs into the room and says that Susie just said her first words. I picked her up and she looked at me and said, "Where's Daddy?" I was so elated that I ran the girls out to the beach, where Roy (the fisherman) was returning with the other men with the day's catch. I told him the good news and we all embraced as a perfect, shining family. There are a lot of gaffes in this dream, the least of which being that babies don't speak two-word questions at 5 months, but dreams are silly that way.

Last week, we found out that there was yet another recall on the brand of crib we had purchased. I swear, if we found out that the stupid box sitting untouched in our garage was recalled, we were just going to call it a draw. I will NOT be walking back into Babies R Us until I need to buy something for a real baby with a real due date. No more trips for hypothetical babies. It turned out that our new crib was fine, but the lesson here is, DO NOT buy Jardine cribs from BRU. 60% of the time, they get recalled every time.

Some day I'll get over myself and remember that there are far worse things than losing a baby or babies that I didn't know, but today, I'm just feeling sorry for myself. What stings the most is that no one else around me would remember this date. Just me. Not even my husband. I don't blame him. I would have put this out of my mind if I could. I put the two sonogram pictures in the top of the closet along with the "What to Expect" and "1000 Baby Names" books. I haven't looked at them since October, but today might be the day I decide to face those demons. Maybe tomorrow will be the magic day that I wake up and move on. At the very least, you should all demand a sunnier post...or your money back.


  1. I can honestly understand where you are coming from. My "M-word" happened last year... all I can say is chin-up! Day by day is the best way to go!

  2. I know everyone's loss is felt differently, I was 6 months along when I lost my first and 5 months along when I lost my second, not knowing if I could ever have any children was difficult. However, now looking back after some 32 years or so, I can say that if I had given birth to those 2, I probably would have stopped and I would not have the 4 children that I have today. And now can't imagine my life any other way. Things happen for a reason and although it doesn't make it easier perhaps it will make sense to you later. That is how I have dealt with it, and hope it will help you somehow.