She said the M word

I know I've been neglecting you all lately. Sorry about that. I still need to fill you in on what's been happening over here, but instead, let me use today to address something that several people have mentioned lately. Deep breath.....



Okay...in case you didn't know...I had two miscarriages last year. I have a separate blog that I started back then that I didn't share with anyone. I linked it here, but don't visit unless you are seriously prepared to hear to the gory details. Also, it is VERY personal, as personal as personal gets. I can't even believe some of the things that I shared on there, so A) don't be offended, B) don't be a jerk. My husband "knows some people who know some people who robbed some people." So, don't mess with me.

Another round of friend pregnancies. They seem to come in waves. Friends: please know that I AM happy for you. I am also a tad jealous, but that does not mean that I hate you, nor does it mean that you can not talk about your baby in my presence. A few months ago, that would have been the case, but I'm better now, really. :)

It is pretty crazy to think that if we hadn't suffered the first miscarriage, we would have a newborn baby in our house now. That is really hard for me to imagine.

I'm struggling a little with the future of Shareapy. At first, it was just for me, then it was also for strangers who needed to know they weren't alone. That part of my life was something I didn't talk about except in the company of close friends and family, but why? Because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. No one wants to hear about my dead babies. AWKward....

It is very strange to think that someone who hasn't had a miscarriage and doesn't even know me might read that site. It feels like that dream I have where I forget that I haven't shaved my legs in months, but I go walking around in shorts and everyone is laughing at me, but I don't realize it until I've been out for hours.



We are such a voyeuristic society that we like to watch other people's pain up close. Does it make us feel more human to connect to someone's misery? Or does it make us feel better about our own lives? Either way, I engage in it, too. It is the reason I watch reality TV and read other people's blogs. It is just very surreal for me to be on the other side of the looking glass. I've given everyone in school the key to my diary...why would I do that?! I guess I just want everyone to have some insight. Maybe if we talk about miscarriages more openly, the women who experience them won't have to live dual lives--smiling and laughing while they die inside. And,
I think it will be a relief that I can talk how this still affects me now.


Here's the deal...the secret is out now. I had two miscarriages. It is a part of who I am. It doesn't mean that I want to bring it up in everyday conversation, but I'm not so fragile anymore that I will burst into tears if it does come up.

I'm not going to go into detail, but let me just clear up one thing right now: Miscarriages are a big deal. A HUGE, GIANT, ELEPHANT-SIZED deal. It feels like you lost everything. That might not make sense to someone who has never experienced it, but just take my word for it. I remember what went through my head before I had one. It was something like, "Oh, that sucks. But, they can try again." Oh, dear Lord. Just imagine...every single day, this person will wake up and remember that they were supposed to be pregnant today. Every day takes them closer to a due date that won't come. It is a DAILY struggle.

If you know someone who's had a miscarriage, you are probably wondering what to say to them. Feel free to email me and I can give you some pointers.

What I found especially difficult is that there weren't a lot of resources immediately available to help me. I didn't know what to expect physically or emotionally. I had to do a lot of research on my own, which just made me feel even more alone. Hopefully, other doctors provide more support than mine did.

With a miscarriage, there is no one else to feel your pain, except your spouse. While your husband is equally devastated, even he didn't have the physical connection to the baby that you did. The memories are all in your head. They are just visions you created of the love you'd share with your future child. No one can share in your pain because they didn't know your child.

Anyway, my whole point is that I think I will keep Shareapy a separate site because the ladies that need support right now don't want to hear about the necklace I bought last week or some hilarious website or Anna's latest revelation. When they get to a place that they can laugh and smile again, they are welcome with open arms over here at CFB. Meanwhile, all my lovely CFB readers may, once in awhile, hear about how I'm feeling in regard to my miscarriages, because that is as much a part of me as the fact that I can't go two days without gushing over Twilight. Twilight, Twilight, Twilight! I love Twilight!

It's 3 am....I must be sleepy

A certain someone has developed a nasty habit of waking up at ridiculous hours and climbing into bed with us. Not mentioning any names...(cough) Condoleezza Rice (cough).
I have a tight sleep schedule that needs to be kept...10 pm-ish: Go to bed. 7 am-ish: Wake up. Anything in the middle completely derails the rest.

BTW... I'm posting this from my iPhone, so if a sentence doesn't make sense, it is because auto-text turned it into words that were not intended. “Rah” turns into “ran”, “Send help now!” Becomes "I love hobos!". That sort of thing.

ANYway...some of my twitters on Thursday sounded kind of CRAzee. I had just found out that the job I thought I had didn't go through and I kind of flipped out a little. Sorry. Things seem a tad out of control lately and I am just thankful, once again for my meds, which auto-text wants to turn into "mess." That SO would not make sense in that context, silly AT.

So, had some laughs with the girls at Bunko last night and then spent a glorious g'day (I'll let that AT slide b/c it is funny) with my man, who said that I didn't have to look for a job today, but could instead help him organize the office. So we crossed a couple things off our list and it felt good.

Which brings me to today's lesson. I spoke with a couple of ladies this week who, like myself, were struggling with a long To-Do list. It seems exacerbated by the fact that we are home more. When there is always tomorrow, how do you make yourself do it today? Answer: a support system helps and I don't mean the 18-hour bra. Someone needs to kick you in the butt and turn off the TV/computer or roll you out of bed and help you tackle that list one stupid thing at a time. It helps if it is to the tune of "That's Not My Name.". Great getting shot done jam. What?! AT won't let me curse?! That's bullshit. Wait, that worked.

I should wrap this up before my battery dies. I would sincerely like to thank everyone for the phone calls, urgent texts, emails and FB messages regarding a post earlier this week. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a tad dramatic. "Family crisis" is code for "I'm on the verge and loosing my grip." No one died or has a terminal illness. We had a delicate situation that freaked us out and I'm still trying to figure out to phrase it so that you can gain knowledge without compromising someone's privacy. Basically, someone let us down big time.

Okay, I need to go remove my mascara from 2 days ago and steal my blanket back from Condie. She is so needy lately. Happy Saturday. y'all!

Most Likely to Surf the Internet...All Day Long

In case you missed this, a woman hired a stripper to attend her 10-year high school reunion for her and then videotaped the whole thing. HI-larious. I couldn't have gotten away with that at my reunion because there were only 77 in my graduating class and everyone knows everyone else's bees-ness.

On the left, you have my senior yearbook portrait. On the right, that would be me, drunk at my 10-year reunion.

I was voted "Most Likely to Become President" in my class, which I guess means I should be schmoozing politicos in D.C., hobnobbing with Hillary. And yet, here I sit, on my couch, laid-off and schmoozeless. Perhaps I should give Hill a call. Maybe she needs someone to make her grilled cheese sandwiches on the weekends.

Life under a macro-scope

Anyone miss me? Don't answer that. Unless you did.

We had a bit of a family crisis this past weekend. I'm still running a debate within myself about whether or not I will share this with you. We're still coming to terms with the whole situation and I'm consoling myself by sleeping as much as humanly possible. That's where I go when I'm depressed, so that's where you'll find me---in bed. I saw my paid therapist yesterday and I spoke to my free therapist (my aunt) today, so I'm working on putting myself back together. Life just sucks sometimes, but you have to move on.

Roy's company is going into a merger, so he has been working very hard lately, but it has been nice to have him working from home some days. Since he has been working four 10-hour days, we've gotten to spend a lot of time together as a family and it has been very nice. I'm so thankful that he is my rock, as always, during yet another storm.

ANYway...I've been playing with the macro lens lately. It has taken me repeated efforts to actually get any shots worth keeping. But, today, third time was a charm. It turns out that you have to be very specific about what you are focusing on.

Anna and I were having some fun in the yard this morning and we spent a lot of time harassing a poor ladybug. Anna kept begging me to let her "keep it forever and ever."

We're going to go pick out a tree to plant in the backyard this afternoon, so, Happy Earth Day!

Flight Control Game

I don't have as much time now that I'm in my second week of being a SAHM (part-time), but here's a quick tip: if you have an iPod touch or an iPhone, buy Flight Control right NOW. It is $0.99 and you won't regret it. Tom told Roy, who told me and we've all been playing it constantly. It is so addictive. My highest score is 37, but the guys have gotten 60-something. I am making it my life's mission to beat them and show them that GIRLS RULE!

Update: I'm up to 64, but the guys are up to 80. :(

Experiment in Humiliation

Yesterday, my mom told me that a story on the news said that it is pointless to try to get a job online and networking is the way to get employed.  I scoffed.  

I had a meeting with a headhunter this morning.  It looks like I may have a job next month.  It isn't anything glamorous, but "Shakespeare gotta get paid, son."  The only reason I will be getting this job (if I do) is because of Roy being the big stud that he is.  So, I officially retract my scoff. 

To celebrate a good meeting, I decided to have a fun day.  (Don't tell Roy.)

Did I go to the mall?  No.  Lunch with friends?  Naw.  Play date with Anna?  Nope.  Then, what did you do, Jessica?  Well...let me tell you.  

I played with my Mac Book.  Yep.  I sat my butt on the couch in front of my computer just like I do every day.  And, it was awesomeness.

I heart Photo Booth.

And, I was playing with iMovie, but I'll be honest...I don't get it.  It seems very complicated.  So, as a special treat for visiting my little corner of the world...you get to watch me sing.  I would turn your volume down if you are listening at work.  Actually, you might want to just mute it.  Anyone watching at Penton....well, don't.  Let me say, there is a reason that I haven't tried out for "American Idol."  I'm no Lil Rounds, but get a few beers in me and I'll karaoke until the sun comes up.  Badly.  

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I totally want this!!